socialy retarded

Word porn for the disillusioned woman.

Posted on 07. Jul, 2010 by Derrick in Random Ramblings

Remember when Vampires kicked ass? They were evil creatures of the night that swooped down and cleave you to pieces, sucking your blood and taking your life in some sadistic manner. Even when they were seductive they were still formidable and petrifying. Yeah well, that’s all gone now thanks to Twilight. Vampires have become neo-emo feeble men (or 17 year olds in this case). With winning smiles and fast cars. All around us the culture of the vampire has turned into the pussification of a very cool dude.

The only thing that I learned from reading Twilight is: Someday the perfect man will find you, the relationship will be effortless, and all you will ever need to be fulfilled will be to spend every waking moment with him.

I am well aware that grown women are as equally attracted to these books as are the teenagers they were meant for, but I had hoped that my generation of women would have had a few more life experiences that make it easier for them to draw the line between the reasonable and fantasy. Women my age have had their shares of disappointment in men, probably disappointed their share of men, and moved on and created a real and working life. As the popularity of this series continues to grow, the more and more my hope for women with a sense of reality becomes extinct.

The topic of Edward Cullen has touched off an endless and tumultuous dialogue between men and women. He has become what Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Titanic was. A gleaming ideal (of what women want a man to be) and thehaul over the coals that men receive (because so few dudes even come close).

There are swoony yet self-lacerating posts on facebook like “upon reflection, I’ve realized that all the same reasons I salivate every time his beautiful, pale mug comes on screen are the same reasons that I continue to be disappointed by guys.” I fret that Edward is draining the lifeblood from relationships in the nonfictional realm of dull, flabby mortals. I Point to Facebook groups like “Twilight has ruined any chance I have at a realistic relationship,” Women are idealizing Edward to the point where real men can’t compete.

In other words: The pressures and demands of being a 21st century woman have a way of siphoning off the intensity of the most romantic unions. To be blunt: Life is a total grind, and our women are bored shitless. Edward Cullen has, for millions of passion-starved women, become the undead embodiment of everything the contemporary dude seems to have shed: danger, poetry, strength, speed, eternal devotion, and an insatiable hunger for the jugular. Meanwhile, the defanged mortal males of Earth, their rumps firmly planted in front of the flat-screen and their breath faintly fragrant of beer, have become, thanks to Edward, one big collective gofuck.

Because of this cultural phenomenon, I think it’s only just that as men, we can demand that women behave like our favorite fictional characters. Porn stars. If I have to be quietly passionate with abs of steal and the ability to play Bach’s 5th symphony, I want you to shriek my name and fuck me senseless like Jenna Jameson. If you get danger filled infatuation, I want to come home to Asia Carrera with a smile. Oh, and one last thing, a sandwich right after sex.

Its only fair.